Ron Burgundy Wants To Teach You The Art Of Home Massage

Ron Burgundy is on the phone when this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast begins, telling his co-host, Carolina Barlow, that he has some very important people on hold as a hardball negotiating tactic. So he tells her about his pet ant, Carlos, going missing that morning. He’s left “buckets of horseradish with butterscotch candy in them” all throughout his house in the hopes of catching him again. But Carolina wants to know who Ron is negotiating with on the phone, so he admits that he wants to do a Masterclass, a subscription service that offers video tutorials and seminars from respected experts in several fields, like Wolfgang Puck and Neil DeGrasse Tyson. “I think Marty did one on filmmaking,” Ron says off-handedly. Yes, he knows Martin Scorsese; Joe Strummer, who had a “goofy punk band” called “The Smash or something” introduced them in 1981, he tells Carolina.

Their guest today is Taron Egerton, star of Rocketman, which Ron has seen 17 times in theaters. “I have so many questions for Tarragon Edamame,” he enthuses. But while they wait for him to get to the studio, Ron decides to share a sample of his Masterclass with listeners. Carolina is surprised that Ron is teaching, but since he has so much experience in broadcasting and journalism, he can probably share some valuable information. But Ron’s class isn’t about journalism, he reveals. It’s about the art of home massage. “Some of you might say, ‘Hey Ron, starting a home massage service during a pandemic is a bad idea!’ And to that I say: maybe.” It could require some hard work knocking down doors, “literally,” and asking people to let you give them a massage. It rarely works, but once in a while, someone lets you. “And do you know what you have then? A client.” 

There are a lot more tips from Ron about massage therapy (“You can take a s**t in any bathroom,” he promises) while they wait for Taron, and Ron also gets a phone call from Marty, learns that Carolina isn’t homeless after all (but if she had been, he’d have given her “a bag of carrots and a coupon I have for Goodwill”), and reveals what legendary moment in rock history he witnessed; listen to this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast for all this and more.

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